I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
