We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize