my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
