I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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