butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
