There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My breasts were aching with rage.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
