The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
