I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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