I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
birth control should be required to get into college
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
