I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize