I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
