I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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