I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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