My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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