just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
