Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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