he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
