Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
