I wish my penis had an off switch
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
