it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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