Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize
