soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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