I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
