I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
