I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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