Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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