i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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