She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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