he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
