$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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