Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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