so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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