oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Two words: nipple clamps
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