Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
