The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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