new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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