remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
