i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
