Well apparently he's into motor boating.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
