You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
