I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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