my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
