I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize