My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
