Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
