My nipple is on Facebook.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
