I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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