My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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