I think I am morally bankrupt
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize