he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
