I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
