fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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