my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
