maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
What drink are we having for lunch?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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