Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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