you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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