Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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