That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
