my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
