I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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