thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
