I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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