He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
