hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Dick very happy bro
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize