remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
