I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
