Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
