I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Boobs are out for the taking
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
