if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
